The One Who's Afraid of Love

Hilig kong magbura ng posts, noh? Halos nabura ko lahat. Pati second year to third year. Shit. Paano 'yung mga memories? Baka makalimuts ko na? 'Kay lang. Everything happens for a reason naman e. :))

Mabubura ko na naman 'to, for sure. Hindi naman ako umaasa e. Binubura ko lamang sila dahil baka maalala ko pa ang mga masamang memories na hindi nakakatulong sa 'kin magmove-on. Pasensiya na talaga. Ang dami ko talagang nadelete du'n kahit hindi dapat. :|

Anyway, hindi ako okay sa grades ko. Nagdurusa ako. Bakit hindi ako pinasa ni Sir? I passed the requirements naman ah. On time. I worked hard for the portfolio and he would do this to me. Parang sinasabi niya na worthless ang mga efforts ko. Ginawa ba niya 'yon dahil ba't sumigaw ako sa harap niya nang hindi ako aware na nakaupo pala siya, so binaba niya conduct ko? Anyway, everything happens for a reason. Move on na lang. Nangyari na e. Ang gusto ko lang kasing sagutin sa tanong ko ngayon ay paano ko sasabihin sa mga magulang ko. Hirap nito talaga. I have a feeling that I wouldn't graduate and that life would be made harder for me.

Moving on~. Gusto ko talaga magtry magyosi. Hindi ko pa siya natatry. Nakikita ko 'yung mga acquaintances ko na ginagawa nila 'yon dahil depressed sila. Haai, laslas kasi ang pang-release ko e. Sorry naman. Red lines tuloy. Umaapoy pa nga kanina e. =))

Dami ko raw friends, pero sabi ko acquaintances ko lang sila kasi if I were to say that they are my friends, mawawala lang sila parang bula. E ayoko naman masaktan at maexperience na hindi pala worth it ang ginagawa mo, so never mind na lang. Kahit sina Xinia 'yan, I really don't want to experience it simply because I'm not prepared, because I doubt if it's worth risking for. Kung gagawin ko ba 'to, worth it ba? Kung gagawin ko ba 'to, masaya bang masaktan? Kung gagawin ko ba 'to, sasaya ako? Siguro, sasaya ako, pero hindi masaya ang masaktan especially kapag sa huli, malalaman mo na hindi worth it. So paano mo malalaman kung worth it ang ginagawa mo? Dasal? Hingi ng signs? Bahala na? Isip lang?

Ano? Ano sagot mo?

- The One Who's Afraid of Love

A Letter to my Teacher

Dear Teacher,

I really like this subject matter you teach. In fact, it is one of the easiest subjects I have encountered, but as I reach my last year in this wretched high school, you came along and ruined it, and so therefore, this would be my first time that I would be failing in my most favorite subject of all.

First of all, I don’t like the way you dress or I don’t like the way you move. Even if the way you speak words so softly that I thought it was true and false – because I couldn’t hear it! – thus deducts my score by two or more points because of your tone – and I think I’m the only one who thinks it’s boring, should I be sorry to say that? –.

Secondly, I hate to say this, but you’re goddamn contradicting. You told us that you grade us according to our diligence and hard work, but what the fuck are you doing?! You’re totally doing the opposite you say, and the Thomasian teachers encourage us to be honest, but you – you fucking lied! And you expect us to be honest to you? Look at yourself, but no, never mind it. You’re just a teacher. You fucking don’t know how much it feels – to think that we, students, work hard, organize our messy fucked-up thoughts just to write that bloody formal theme, and in the end, our efforts had gone in vain, receiving a score of failing grade. You degrade us, and finally, you degrade me. I hate you.

Thirdly, I fully remember what you told us regarding the questioning of scores. You said that it is not to degrade us, but to encourage writing more. Well, Miss, THINK ABOUT THIS. How can I have an inspiration when it already died all because of you? It has no spark anymore. Even if I light it up, you would always have a water hose to wet it down. FUCK THIS. You degrade me. I want you gone … in my life. Please.

And lastly, what I realized because of my hatred of you still existing is that it really depends on the teacher, whether he or she has the capacity of displaying an authoritative figure or a soft-hearted one – or a boring and biased one, in your case - . Yes, you’re boring. You really are. You degrade me. My grades in homeworks are so low! What did I ever do to you? This oh this, why did you do? I’m feeling so fucking blue. Shit this, I’m through, so through with you. =_=

Yours Truly,

Your Student

Our Fight

"Your nails dug deeper on my skin,

Wanting to end the game and win.

I'm not weak, and I prove it to you,

Because what you want to do, I let you do.

It's your fault, in the first place,

If only I didn't hear any of your pace,

then I wouldn't have to fight you and try to beat,

I just wanted to punish myself in every bit.

However, you wouldn't even let me do,

You think you're preventing this feeling of blue,

Always reflected that you know all of me,

But don't you see that's only a maybe?

I have psychological sicknesses, and you wouldn't understand,

In my sorrowful or depressing days, I just need a helping hand.

But no - no amount of knowledge would pierce through your soul,

Maybe you didn't know that I have given to every obstacle my all.

And you hurt my muscle, as I tried to fight,

But yes, I did, even at this fortnight.

I know it's unreasonable, but it is to me.

Remember this: you really don't know me.

I rested on my bed, and I trembled in fear,

Wasting the night away in every tear.

Sometimes I wish I had no friends or family,

So that I could live in peacefully and harmony.

But what I told in the previous verse is a lie,

See? That's why I really deserve to die,

No, don't accompany me in every minute,

Trust me when I say you wouldn't like it.

Then you pushed my head on the floor,

Don't you think that would rape my every core?

See, that's why I'm irritated at you, because you wouldn't perceive.

And in this family we're in, patience and understanding, I conceive.

"You get what you deserve" - that's what they usually say,

Planning on how to escape the nightmare away.

I know I always fail because that's my middle name,

I just don't want to play God's stupid fucked-up game."

Our Douchebag President

Actually, St. Clement? The best section I ever had so far in my entire life. The problem is? Our president is being a douche bag. He thinks he's a god or something, and that he dominates over us. He has this feeling of superiority in the air and he deserves to be included on one of those bossy people whom I despise. I don't like him and his attitude. He's become so fucking arrogant and I don't fucking like him. He doesn't make sense. His words don’t make any sense to me. Not even at all.

"What are you so mad about? I want you to respect me because I'm the president. You think you're the president, if so, why don't you talk here? In my place, in my exact position? It's not even for me, it's for you. You think you're a god?"

Oh my God. GOD? GOD? So he thinks he's a god because he's the president, one who dominates over his people? Now, that's what I'd like to call, injustice. He's not even being a good leader. I don't like his handwriting. I don't like the way he cries when someone was being mean to him. He was like being bullied and no one helped him. I'm not totally saying that he should be perfect in every way. I'm saying that I don't like him; he shouldn't be called a god just because he's the fucking president. He wants to be praised, to be worshipped. If he wants a life of total silence, shouldn't he be acting like one of those people who stay quiet all the time and not having a care in the world? You know what? He should know what he signed up for.

"Ako na nga yung nag-aayos ng problema niyo, kayo pa ang may right na magalit?"

Tang-ina naman. Fuckshit! Kung ayaw niya maging presidente, e di sana umayaw siya nu'ng voting pa. Pero umoo e, pumayag. Okay lang daw sa kanya. Tang-ina naman! Bata! Fetus! Akala mo kung sino magsalita, e mali-mali naman!

Alam niyo, kung may identity crisis na naman siya ngayon, for sure dapat kasama niya kaequal niya, para walang away and conflicts. Kasi tingnan mo, paano kapag nagkaibigan siya sa isang tao na mas mababaw pa sa kanya? Nagkakaroon tayo ng superior and inferior sa friendship. Palagi siya superior, ang masusunod, kaso yung kaibigan niya, parang aso lang, tagasunod.

Ang discriminating. Sexist pa. Siguro racist na 'yun.

Kung sa tingin niya, si Wyett 'to, tang-ina naman, mag-isip siya. Yung mga words niya, nosebleeding. I surreptitiously worship him. I just find it irritating that he thinks he's a god and should be respected or worse, praised.

Kung kakausapin niya ako tungkol dito, e di kausapin niya. I wonder if I care, really.